So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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