our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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