can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
