I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize