Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
jump out the window naked night went bad
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