i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
