Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My penis needs a shock collar
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
