I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
