She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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