i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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