If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
