oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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