I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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