she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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