My Higher Power is John Stamos
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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