i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
babies were throwing up all over the place
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
