You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
