I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
