Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
