I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize