Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
