you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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