What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize