she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize