My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
