Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
