The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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