It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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