6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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