do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
