two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
