I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
