I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize