He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
