just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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