dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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