please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
