there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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