end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
