Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
