fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
