I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
