you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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