i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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