I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
