i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you traded sex for a burrito?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
