I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
