i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
