I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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