I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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