I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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