i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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