You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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