I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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