So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
