would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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