so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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