What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
