Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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