the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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