my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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