I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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