i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
50% drunk capacity currently
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
