i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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