I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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