Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
