why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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